Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
