Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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