I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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