I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
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