I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
