worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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