Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
