just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
