I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize