everyone is single if you try hard enough
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
