1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
