so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
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