If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
