Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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