You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
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