My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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