It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
