I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Randomize
