I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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