a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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