Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
you told grandpa to call you daddy
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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