I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
