i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
why do cheetos always look like penises
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
