I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
