Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
