We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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