bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
