Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
