We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
