I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
what ever happened to devon sawa?
fuck...who knows?
i'm really worried about him.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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