Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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