dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
