He asked me if I "almost moaned"
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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