I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
