The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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