My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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