made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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