and you said cock pushups were impossible
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
