I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
