Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
