My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
