I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize