I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize
