anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
