At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
