Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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