sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
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