I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
