I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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