Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
