If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Church boner. Awkwardddd
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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