rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
