Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
