then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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