we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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