vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Let's paint friendship bongs
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
