my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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