Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
