Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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