Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Randomize
